Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People - And How to Break the Cycle

 

Do you ever feel like you're the only one who feels too much while they feel… nothing at all? Or like you're the only one putting in the effort and they are just there draining it all out of you? Sort of like, if you were to mirror their behavior, it would all fall apart? Because, in a way, you are the one holding it together. If yes, you are not alone, at least I am with you. I have felt like that so many times it felt normal. So, in this blog post,  I’m exploring why we unconsciously attract emotionally unavailable people — and how to finally choose better.

The Pattern:

First, let's identify emotional unavailability. This refers to a person's difficulty or unwillingness to form close emotional connections with others. This often stems from fear of vulnerability or a lack of emotional awareness. These people are often emotionally distant as they avoid intimacy as a way to keep themselves "safe". Thus, they have a difficulty committing and are overly defensive.

Usually, there is a rollercoaster of highs and lows in the relationships. This is fueled by the consistent behaviors and a lack of emotional intimacy. A "chase" pattern develops rather quickly as the brief moments of connection trigger dopamine release, following by emotional withdrawal. Therefore, a cycle of craving and disappointment is created. Many a time this pattern can be mistaken for love but it is blatantly an emotional addiction. 

Resultantly, you start to feel and deeply believe that you must "earn" your partner's love. You mistake inconsistency for excitement, you feel lonely or anxious when you are together, you feel confused and ultimately you experience a "chase" dynamic.

The Psychology Behind It:

I guess now you want to know: "Why am I attracted to them?" Well, there could be  number of reasons. Including:

1. Attachment Style (Especially Anxious Attachment):

Individuals with anxious attachment styles are often drawn to emotionally unavailable partners due to a preconceived sense of familiarity and a subconscious desire to heal the past. I fall under this category of people. Alas. We, the anxiously attached, often crave intimacy and closeness, but our fear of abandonment can lead us to seek partners who are emotionally unavailable. Thus, we constantly seek validation and reassurance, while our partner's lack of responsiveness can trigger our anxiety and fears. Emotionally unavailable partners, often exhibiting avoidant attachment styles, may feel familiar due to our past experiences or a subconscious desire to "fix" or heal others. To break this pattern, individuals with anxious attachment need to focus on developing self-soothing skills, building their own sense of security, and learning to regulate their emotions. This involves recognizing their own needs, setting boundaries, and seeking healthy relationships where they feel safe and valued. 

2. Childhood Conditioning: 

This can greatly influence attraction to emotionally unavailable people in adulthood. If you experienced emotional neglect or unavailable caregivers in your childhood, you may subconsciously seek out relationships that mirror these dynamics. It's a way of trying to mend the broken love you had received in childhood. You try to recreate familiar patterns, and potentially gain a sense of control and peace. 

3. The Trauma Bond:

Trauma bonding, often experienced in abusive or unhealthy relationships, can create a strong emotional and sometimes physical attachment to an emotionally unavailable person. This attraction stems from past trauma, particularly childhood experiences, where a person may have learned to equate love with pain, neglect, or inconsistency. Your brain, in response to trauma, can develop neural pathways that link love with unhealthy behaviors, making them feel familiar and even desirable. You basically develop a mindset that toxic relationships are normal.

How to Break the Cycle:

Now that you know the reasoning behind being attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, here are some actionable steps I took to break free from this perpetual loop. And the good thing is, you can start practicing these today!

○ Learn your attachment style and triggers:

The first thing I had to do was understand myself fully. I had to figure out what my attachment style is and its potential triggers. As I mentioned, I have an anxious attachment style. Therefore, my main triggers included changes in communication patterns, uncertainty and ambiguity. Basically, when my partner would go silent for whatever reason, my initial thought would be, "Oh, he probably doesn't want me anymore. Well, I guess it’s gonna end soon." Ultimately, understanding my attachment style and triggers enabled me to understand myself more: why I overthink, panic when I'm ignored or left on "seen", and why I feel devastated by small signs of distance. It taught me how to self-soothe, set new standards and not seek validation. And trust me, you should do the same.

○ Build emotional self-safety first:

Once you know your attachment style and its triggers, you can work together with it to build your emotional safety. Your emotional safety should not depend on your partner but rather on your own certain ground within yourself. It is learning to validate your own emotions, because, yes, they are valid. It is practicing emotional regulation and getting loud and clear on your needs and boundaries. And yes, it's okay to walk away. Give yourself the love, comfort, and reassurance you did not consistently receive as a child. Resultantly, you stop needing unavailable people to "complete" you. You choose better and not just what's familiar. You will stop mistaking anxiety for attraction and you will grow more secure in yourself just as you are.

○ Journal: “What did I learn to define as love growing up?”:

When I tell you this prompt was sooooo powerful! (crying emoji).  Sit with pen and paper and get to the root of why you're drawn to emotionally unavailable people in the first place. You may read all this but if you do not sit in your own company and dig into the facts, you're not gonna heal nor grow. This prompt helped me recognize patterns I was repeating and helped me separate love from pain. Altogether, it guided me to redefine love on my own terms. And you can do that too.

○ Set and enforce emotional boundaries: 

Yes, you MUST create clarity about what you won't accept anymore. Stop tolerating hot-and-cold behavior, breadcrumbing, emotional neglect and vague situationships. You are a big deal. Act like it. Doing this will help you filter out all emotionally unavailable people early and affirm your self-worth. But most importantly, boundaries are yours to honor. Be ready to take action (such as leaving) when you know this isn't the table you reserved.

○ Rewire your idea of love from chaos to calm: 

Lastly, please understand that love is not chaos. Love does not have to mean hurt. I know I was made to believe that until I met a man whose love meant peace and gentleness. Rewire your mind and you will see that a safe and sure relationship is not boring. You will know that calm and steady love is safe, and you will begin to crave that instead of the chaos you've called love. You’re not “too much.” You’re just too emotionally aware for emotionally unavailable people. And that’s your power.

Final Thoughts:

Breaking free from emotionally unavailable partners isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness. It’s about realizing that love shouldn’t leave you confused, anxious, or constantly proving yourself. It should feel safe, seen, and stable.

The truth is, most of us are just replaying emotional patterns that felt familiar. But familiar doesn’t mean healthy, and it definitely doesn’t mean forever. Healing means choosing differently, even when it feels uncomfortable at first. You are allowed to outgrow the version of you who accepted love that didn’t feel like love.

You’re not “too much.” You’re just too emotionally aware for emotionally unavailable people. And that’s your power.

✍ Your Turn: Let’s Reflect

Before you go, I invite you to grab your journal and ask yourself:

• What did I learn to define as love growing up?

• What parts of me still believe I have to earn love?

• What does safe, calm, healthy love look and feel like — and how can I start choosing it today?

📲 Let’s Stay Connected

If this blog post resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts:

• Share it with someone who needs it

• Leave a comment or DM me on Instagram @miss.gina__

• Pin your favorite takeaways on Pinterest to remind your future self how far you’ve come

And remember: healing isn’t linear, but every step counts.

With love,

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